About Me

Who hasn't dreamed of taking over the world? And who hasn't heard the phrase, "follow your dreams" before? Put those two together, and you're left with the inevitable. Now, you may be thinking I'm crazy to post my secret blueprints and progress updates online, and that may be true. On the other hand, what's an Evil Overlord without her secret, yet oddly accessible, Lair?

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Phase One, Day Thirty: Basically, Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett are Two of the Coolest People Alive

A while back, I talked a bit about how it is useful to go over the mistakes of failed Overlords. There are plenty, that's for certain. Narrative Convention wants you to fail about as badly as it wants the hero to fall in love with the main girl he hangs around (or vice versa on gender), and almost as badly as it wants redheads to have quick tempers. But every now and then, you come upon an Overlord who found a way to thwart the narrative and stay in power, and these gems are a model for any aspiring Overlord to follow.
My favorite is one Havelock Vetinari. 
The Patrician of Discworld, created by the lovely and hilarious Terry Pratchett, Vetinari is the tyrant of Ankh-Morpork, the Disc's primary metropolis. Vetinari has several major points in his favor:
1. He openly, even happily, acknowledges that he is a tyrant. There is no effort at deception on his part, of himself or others. As Pratchett puts it, "one man, one vote. [Vetinari] is the Man; he has the Vote."
2. He loves his city. Vetinari isn't motivated by a blind desire for power -- which can lead to blind mistakes -- but by the more specific desire for the power to rule a city he cares about.
3. Vetinari knows everything. He trained in the Assassin's Guild, where those without sharp senses and quick reflexes...well, they tend not to graduate. He recognizes people by their footsteps and has eyes and ears everywhere in the city. If you live in Ank-Morpork, you better know Vetinari knows who you are, where you live, who you love, and how long it takes you to finish your crossword puzzle in the morning.
4. Speaking of, Vetinari does his crossword every morning. Helps keep the mind sharp, you know, although since he polishes it off in seventeen seconds, it seems that this is a more rudimentary exercise for him. It is interesting, though, to see what kinds of words the crossword makers have on their minds. As a more stimulating game, Vetinari also likes to keep an ongoing game of Thud on the table (it's similar to chess, but between dwarves and trolls, who each have their advantages and disadvantages. Vetinari has been known to suggest that playing the side one doesn't favor helps the mind to understand the enemy more clearly, as well as learn any potential weaknesses in a favorite strategy).
5. Vetinari always has a back-up plan prepared. He is well aware, for example, that the rabble sometimes decides it's time to overthrow its tyrant, so he keeps his dungeons well-ventilated and at a comfortable temperature. They also lock from the inside. When Narrative Convention leads the mob to throw the tyrant into his own dungeons, they will find they have escorted him to a quiet, comfortable retreat where he can meditate and collect his thoughts while he waits for the heat of the crowd to die out.
6. He allows himself a few idiosyncracies. A mongrel dog named Mr. Whuffles, a passionate hatred for mimes. A few splashes of personality here and there help keep any Overlord from feeling like it's all about the job.

Now, you may have realized by now that I'm a little heavy on number 6 to pull off a Vetinari imitation. I have plenty of plans, don't get me wrong, and a pretty sharp mind, and trustworthy minions to help keep me in the know. But still, my whimsical side is much more pronounced than that of Ankh-Morpork's leader, so we need to find another personality to blend into the picture of my Overlord leadership. May I present to you:

Delirium, from Neil Gaiman's Sandman. Not quite an Overlord, although she is the anthropomorphic personification of madness, and responsible for all instances thereof. In my book, that's close enough. At first glance, Delirium seems like a terrible model to follow for World Domination: she's impulsive, emotional, and has the attention span of a butterfly. But let's look a little closer.
1. Delirium is boundlessly creative. She doesn't let any person or circumstance stop her from making the things she needs. Even her siblings, some of whose good opinion means quite a lot to her, aren't able to talk her out of something if she really has her heart set on it.
2. She recognizes the need for a Lair! Delirium's space is highly dangerous to others due to her nature, but it's perfect for her. Swirls of colors and fragments of fever dreams are what she needs to feel relaxed and at home, and she provides that for herself.
3. Delirium is acutely aware of the strengths and limitations of her own power. Whimsy appeals to her, so she indulges, and uses this natural talent to reward or punish others as she sees fit. (The unpredictability inherent in Delirium's logic is another natural strength.) She can 'pull herself together' and cohere to ordinary logic for short periods, and she knows what it will cost her, how long she can keep it up, and in which situations she would find it necessary to deviate so far from character.
4. She also can focus quite intensely on something when she really wants it. Remember I said she had the attention span of a butterfly? Did you remember that some butterflies migrate thousands of miles?
My goal in my career as Overlord is to strike a balance between Vetinari's cool head and careful planning, and Delirium's creative energy and unpredictable nature. It's a fine line to walk, but the right blend of these characters' strengths would be a force to be reckoned with.
Soon to be a force to be reckoned with,

Monday, September 27, 2010

Phase One, Day 29: The Fatal Flaw

Still freaking out about the idea of creating a website, I'm afraid. I don't know why it seems like such a mammoth task to me, but the deadline is getting closer, and I haven't done nearly enough work, and I can see empires that haven't even been built crashing down on me. It's a bad day to be Overlord of the World.

One of my friends, a few years ago, was commenting on the fact that I tend to be quite good at just about everything I do on a regular basis.
"The thing is that you only take time to develop things you know you can excel at," she said. "Anything else you just leave behind."
She meant it as a compliment, noting my efficiency and practicality. Why should I waste my time, only to fail? Better to hone in on my natural gifts and explore those as far as I can.
Now, though, it feels like a much more judgmental note on my behavior. I give up on things that aren't working. I have trouble seeing the value of an activity without tangible results. If my website doesn't look professional, my first instinct will be to dismiss it as a waste of time, or as further proof of my understanding of myself as a 23-year-old dinosaur.

If you're going to be a successful world Overlord, everyone knows you can't have a weakness. Spunky kids with a hero complex and too much time on their hands will be all too eager to find it for you. You cannot afford a serious flaw, because the Laws of Narrative Convention want it to be fatal.

So what do you do when you find out you have one?

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Phase One, Day 27: The Fluffiness Increases Exponentially!

I hope I can trust you. What I'm about to share with you contains some sensitive information, and the element of surprise is important. This is no less than the Secret Weapon I plan to use to launch the movement that must, inevitably, culminate in my ruling the world. The army that will inspire awe and fear in the hearts of all who are present to witness it.
http://www.pet-health-insurance.org.uk/images/kitten2.jpg
  Yes! An army of giant kittens! Or, more precisely, an army of minions riding giant kittens as they prance, pounce, and scamper their way to my victory. It is brilliant. Modern armies for decades have trusted in straight lines, careful formations. What is more carefree, more surprising than the path of a playful kitten? Kittens bigger than horses! Kittens the size of African elephants!! The fluffiness increases exponentially!!
We'll send in helicopters first, with lasers and yarn bombs. The lasers may seem suspicious at first, but people will quickly relax when they realize that no one has been hurt, and that in fact some people have inadvertently corrected their eyesight by watching the beams so intently. Then, without warning, a gambol of kittens will appear, pouncing on the lasers in an adorable and terrifying attempt to catch them, or wriggling parked cars off the streets in their efforts to nuzzle the yarn to death. Such mayhem will be confusing, frightening, endearing. The populace will have no idea how they are supposed to react. PETA will protest any attempt to hurt the kittens, as will most scientists, who will be desperate to know how the hell I pulled this off.
And then, just as the mayhem escalates into a panic, I will emerge, in a beam of light if I can finagle it (subtle, I am not).
"Citizens," I will say, "I have the solution. Make me Overlord of the World, and I will put the kittens in giant petting zoos and clean up all the yarn. I will teach any interested scientists how my team and I made these adorable monsters, and offer kitten-riding classes to any children interested in being Professional Kitten Wranglers one day. Heck, any adults, for that matter. Make me your leader, and I will protect the kakapo (if there are any left to protect), teach everyone Gibberish, and increase the amount of vacation time people get every year. Or don't make me your leader, and the next wave of kittens will not have hypoallergenic fur, and who knows what a crazy person like me has up her sleeve next. I assure you, citizens, you probably want me as your leader right now."
I am optimistic that we can pull off a bloodless revolution.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Phase One, Day 25: I Like to Feel the Sand Between My Toes

All right, back to business! I’ve done a lot of thinking in the past about my True Lair. I mean, having a Lair is what makes an Overlord an Overlord, or a villain a villain. There’s a sense of homecoming and purpose in walking down the stairs, through the eleven coded entry gates, down more stairs, past the booby trap maze, through the laser tunnel, over the robot shark moat, down more stairs, and through the cheery, cherry red front door of your Lair.

Here is a true story for you. My very first Lair was my closet, in the room that I shared with my younger sister when I was about five years old. I populated it with a fierce army of imaginary minions, bristling with weapons. They spoke no English at all, and had strict orders to shoot any unauthorized person who came through the door on sight. I forbade my sister to enter my closet under any circumstances, since while she could be annoying at times, I didn’t want her to die at the hands of my overzealous guards. The only way even I could enter my closet safely was to crack the door and announce, “Acoumpliesma,” a word which, in my guards’ native language, roughly translates to, “Don’t shoot – it’s me.”

These days, I’m thinking guards of such a hair-trigger disposition are going to lead to more accidents than they are worth. I’m opting now for a tight security system and creative spatial engineering. I’d like an island Lair – Madagascar, perhaps, or Bali. Underground is traditional, and that way I could preserve the topside as a natural reserve for all the cool plants and animals living there. If some civilians are there, too, it’ll discourage any uprising efforts from bombing the crap out of the place. Nothing tarnishes a revolution more than the senseless slaughter of innocents.

The Lair will have to be designed by about fifty different engineers, of course. We can’t have any one person knowing too much about the blueprints of my home. Maybe 100, even, in shifts: 50 to do the initial design and 50 to revise and add their own twists. No more than three engineers in either shift will speak the same language, either, thus making people who know the layout both difficult to track down, and useless when you put them together. Older engineers are welcome, too. I am absolutely set against killing off anyone who has helped me (that’s low even for an Evil Overlord, and I’m the Glinda kind, right?), but if they’re not around in fifteen years or so, that may be handy in a countering-invaders kind of way.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Break, Part Three: Layout/Design

Let's talk about making things pretty.

First: Color starts to set the emotional mood immediately, even before your brain fully realizes what you're looking at. I was thinking about how I could choose a color, or set of colors, that would complement each other well and set the tone I wanted, when I was struck by an idea. I have to let you know that there is a voice in my head saying "aargh, I cannot believe you are about to air all your dirty website laundry all over the Internet, people are going to think you're such a girl, first freakin' Cosmo and now this, aaarrgh," but do you know who really cares about color schemes? Brides. I've been poking around The Knot, and they have pages of articles about which colors look warm or polished or fun together, how to decide what mood/colors are best for you,, based on your personality, all kinds of things. I've narrowed it down to a few options, and they are so pretty oh my goodness. Which one wins out will probably have to do mostly with how well I think it will show up on old computers. Don't want colors warping too much on someone's old system.

Second: Images are pretty crucial, because nothing turns people off a website like walls of text. I would like to have a few pictures of me on the site, seeing as how it's about me, but at the same time, I a. don't want to overdo it and look like one of those smug writers, and b. want to emphasize the writerly nature of the site, rather than my smiling little face. I'm thinking maybe three or four pics somewhere, pretty small (no giant heads for me, thanks). For the rest, we've been talking a lot in Typography about using text as a design element, since letters make cool shapes. When I was in college, the literary magazine had a cover one year that was made up of lines and fragments from the stories and poems in the issue, and it was mad cool. I might like to have a background with some lines from my writing, and/or use the title of a page as part of the page's design. "Creative Writing" has some interesting curves and angles, especially if you find the right typeface for it. How difficult is it to make a logotype? How can I experiment with size, typeface, and upper- and lowercase letters to create something distinctive? That's what I'm interested in finding out as I play with the visual element of my site.

Some ground rules: No cats. No excessively flowy fonts. Absolutely no glitter anywhere, ever. Nothing that is there solely to show off how clever I can be (there might be clever/silly stories up for fun, but I don't want to throw in gifs or something just to show that I know how). I like clean rectangles and maybe a bit of layering more than scalloped edges or fake shadows or other such nonsense. There's going to be plenty of playfulness, but I want it to look like a creative person's professional site.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Break, Part Two: Content

All right. Step two. We have navigation, now we need content. I am a little surprised by how nervous I am about this whole "plan-a-website" project. Maybe it is because usually electronic and technological things are the hardest for me to pick up. I tend to struggle for a long time to even get the basics down, I get frustrated very easily -- this is way out of my comfort zone, so my creative side (which is already a neurotic little thing) wants nothing more than to run and hide somewhere safe.

On the other hand, by necessity if nothing else, I will have to drag that creative side out of the closet and onto the computer screen, because the smoothest navigation means nothing without content.

If I am going to make a personal website, I want it to be about writing. I joined this MFA program because one of the most important things in my world is that stories exist, and I want to be part of making that happen. Plus, I don't see myself making another kind of site. Personal? No way. I'm happily open with my friends, but the Internet doesn't need to know every in and out of my life. As for my hobbies, I am very excited to be developing a decent repertoire as a fledgling cook and when I have time I like to knit things, but there are a hundred zillion better sites about these things.

So the thing is, at this point I am also still in the early stages of being a writer. I'm not published yet, and am still putting together a selection of stories and poems. I'm okay with doing a beginning writer's site, but what to fill it with?
  1. Bio. We need people to have an official section for who I am and what I do (or want to do).
  2. Journal. It seems at least in the beginning, this site may be as much about the process as the finished work, and anyway I would like to have a means of communicating with potential viewers of the site.
  3. Creative writing. Info on any poems and stories I publish, and a few freebies up on the site, just for fun.
  4. Technical writing. I've done some of this work, and really enjoyed it, so I would like to have information on what I can do in case people want me to do more of it.
  5. Awards. I got a few, and I am proud of them, so why not briefly mention them?
  6. I would like to have a little section on what I'm reading. I am as interested in other people's stories as making my own, so having a Cool Books section will let me promote other cool people, and give my viewers a better idea of what I am all about (you are what you read, yes?).
I will likely change/add/modify this as I go, but it is about getting a sense of what might work. I am still very nervous about trying to make and maintain this, but I will see how it goes.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Phase One, Beginning to Panic: Website Navigation

It pains me to break from our regularly scheduled programming, but there are some serious matters we need to address. Namely, do you realize that by the end of this semester I will be expected to have my own website up and running? Even sooner than that, actually. Listen – there is a reason I have so many more computer scientists than doctors on my minion staff. Part of me is more confident that I could pick up open-heart surgery as I go than master the skill set needed to develop and maintain a website. So, in the interests of me attempting the unfathomable, the next few posts need to sort out business details. I have some fun stuff saved for later, though, so stay with me. Today’s Business Topic is:

Navigation


I’m starting here because the site will probably need to hold several facets of me, and at least one of my friends has compared the way my mind works to a kaleidoscope (all those random pieces will make a coherent pattern, if you twist your perception the right way). We need to make sure people know where they’re going, without investing all kinds of time into learning the idiosyncrasies of my thought processes.

I’m probably going to crib a lot from Neil Gaiman’s site. First, an aside. Neil Gaiman is so cool, it isn’t fair. Okay? He can do comics, novels, stories, screenplays, and poems that are at least entertaining, if not something you’d put next to Neruda and Mary Oliver. He interviewed and wrote a book on Douglas Adams. He interviewed and wrote a book with Terry Pratchett. He lives in a house out of Charles Addams’ sexiest dreams. He’s worked with Jonathan Coulton, had They Might Be Giants work for him, and he may not have met Imogene Heap in person, but he crashed at her flat for a while when he was in town. This is not even mentioning Tori Amos, Dave McKean, Charles Vess, Dr. Who, or any other number of People and Things That Are Cool to Nerdy And/Or Indie People that Neil Gaiman gets to be all about knowing personally. And then he goes and has the gall to have an amazing website. The man has no shame.

The reason I picked Neil’s site as a guide is that for all that stuff he’s got his fingers into, the navigation is beautifully simple. As soon as I started thinking about navigation for a website, my mind jumped to ideas for clever metaphors and gimmicks to use as tools (make navigation a compass! a kaleidoscope!). Neil’s site reminds me that the content and, to a lesser extent, the graphics, make a site worth exploring. The navigation should be there to make things simple.

Also, to borrow from another source, I like it when you can hover over a tab and see the subcategories within it. Cosmo’s site (don’t judge me) does this, and it is an excellent tool because each category is so broad. If you’re interested in cute date articles under the Relationships subcategory and want to skip past What’s New In Sex (orgasms! they're pretty great, amiright?), you hover on “Sex and Relationships” and it gives you the option of bypassing anything under that umbrella that you don’t want.

I think for now a top bar with different sections of the site should work just fine for me (did I mention that Neil’s site has a section called “Cool Stuff & Things”? I want that!). I want the top bar to be slim, so I don’t end up with Ms. Gilbert’s trouble of uncertainty of whether your page has changed. I want things labeled very clearly: About Me, Creative Writing, Technical Writing, Cool Things, Awards, etc. If I end up with a lot of subsections, I’ll split them up and put the less important ones on the bottom (or ones that are so standard that viewers will expect to see them on the bottom if they’re not on the top). Oh! Also -- both sites have a selection of four or five of the newest updates featured on the front page, which I think is an excellent way to keep drawing viewers back, as well as acquaint new viewers with what they might want to see on the site.

Basically, it seems to me that the best navigation happens when viewers take the navigation for granted. It should be that intuitive. I’m sure I’ll figure more out as I go about how to make that happen, but that’s the aim.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Phase One, Day Fourteen: Overlord Down Time

Just a quick one, because it's been a long day and even Overlords get tired. A quick check of my notes tells me that I still owe you a tip towards a great online rag, and a site that shows the kind of project I'd like to do. Online lit mag first:

When it comes to ruling the world, it's key to take some down time. As you know, stress leads straight to insanity, and the crowds with torches and pitchforks aren't far behind. A therapeutic giggle now prevents a drawn-out, maniacal laugh later. And what better place to go for such a fix than McSweeney's? I love the clean, crisp presentation, witty asides (a red dot next to an article denotes new content, which a black one is "newish"content), and of course, the writing. Dry and clever without quite stepping over the ledge of Too Clever For Its Own Good. Here's an example, from the "Open Letters to People or Entities Who are Unlikely to Respond" collection:

Brilliant.


Moving on to the next piece: I think I've made it clear what kind of project I really want to do already, but let's scale back and talk about a side project, the kind of thing I could do with a semester or so instead of the rest of my life. Again, I was inspired by my downtime. One of my favorite online comics (or things that are humorous and update regularly) is Surviving the World, by Dante Shepherd. He posts photographs of himself by a blackboard, on which he has written a life lesson that you may not come across in the classroom otherwise. He takes questions from readers, occasionally posts videos, but mostly it's just Dante, the camera, and the chalk. Simple tools, and a great concept that he can keep continuing as long as there is material to teach. Surely, Mr. Shepherd is providing a necessary service.


I'd love to have him on my team. I also wouldn't mind being able to come up with something similarly succinct, catchy, and sequential. I like how much freedom he has within the same basic format.

All right. I promised myself I would be brief, especially since more work and planning awaits.
Dreaming of a new era,

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Phase One, Day Thirteen: Two Hoopy Froods and One Lady Who May Need an Extra Towel


Equally as important as studying the mistakes of past Overlords is engaging in training exercises to make sure you can accomplish basic tasks. Even tyrants of the New World need to put pants on in the morning. My favorite way to practice strategy is one of the oldest text adventure games in the book: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy text adventure game (http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/hitchhikers/game_nolan.shtml, just in case the text link fails me).


The objective of the game is very simple: make a cup of tea. In the interest of full disclosure, I must admit I have never made it this far, nor do I know anyone who has. Odysseus claims to have a friend who beat this game, but once you get to the friend-of-a-friend stage, you are in urban legend territory as far as I’m concerned.

A little background: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (H2G2 to those in the know) has been a radio show, nearly-six-book trilogy, record, BBC miniseries, computer game, and movie, more or less in that order. It was written by Douglas Adams, a wildly funny man given to infrequent bursts of frantic activity and long stretches of procrastination, punctuated, according to him, with many baths and sandwiches. H2G2 was a cult hit almost from the get-go, and Adams and the gang were worried that when they made a game out of it, it would prove too simple for people who knew the series by heart and impossible for those who were coming to the canon for the first time. The solution they agreed on was to make it maddeningly difficult for everyone.

Play it, I dare you. This game will throw all kinds of seemingly-inconsequential details at you that you will not realize were all-important until it is too late (pick up your junk mail when you leave your house, or you might as well stop playing now. Also, remember to feed the dog a cheese sandwich), and will taunt you when you get things wrong. The hours I spent trying to get ahold of the Babel fish to stick in my ear…. But the thing is, it is addictive. You find yourself insisting that it must be able to beat this. “It’s just a freaking cup of tea!” you will scream at your monitor. “All I want is one stinking lousy cup of TEA!!!” You will never have wanted anything more in your life. Such is the focus, the all-consuming desire, that empires are made of.

Douglas Adams, may you rest in peace, in the knowledge that you always knew where your towel was.

Fortunately, Douglas Adams is not the only mastermind I can use as an inspiration and role model for my own empire. Terry Pratchett is just as funny, and quite a bit more prolific. He wrote the Discworld series (you remember, it’s the one about a flat planet balancing on the backs of four elephants, who in turn stand on the shell of the Turtle, the Great A’Tuin, who forever swims through space), which should tell you all you need to know. In case you need to know more (and because I love talking about Pratchett), remind me to tell you later about his character Havelock Vetinari, the Patrician of the metropolis off Ankh-Morpork and one of the best Overlords I’ve come across yet.

I like Terry Pratchett’s website (www.terrypratchettbooks.com) very much. It’s clean, simple, but ties the theme of his work together very neatly. The icons are all familiar elements of the different Discworld storylines, you can search by book (a handy thing, with a series of more than 40 installments—and Discworld isn’t even all Pratchett has written), and the simple black background keep things from getting too busy.


It took me a while to find a writer’s site that I didn’t like as much, and I was surprised by whose I found myself really disappointed by. Elizabeth Gilbert (http://www.elizabethgilbert.com/writing.htm) is best-known for Eat, Pray, Love, the quest memoir of finding healing through food, prayer, and new relationships in three gorgeous countries. I’m still reading the book right now (book club is at the end of the month), but I’d assumed that someone who’d trekked all over the world and was having Julia Roberts of all people play her in the movie would know their way around the WWW. It’s not an absolutely terrible site, but the yellow background is a little glaring and I’m not a fan of the awkwardly cut-and-paste photo of her (you can see the original white background through her hair). That photo stays on every page, so it took me a few tries to realize I had to scroll down to find the text that had changed. Also, reading lots of italic type on a yellow background was not so fun for my eyes.


I have lots more to tell you, about literary journals and a site that begins to capture the essence of my own dream, but right now, I have a strategy meeting to get to and some tea to make.

One day I will beat that blasted game, and then nothing will stop me ever again.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Phase One, Day Eleven: Neil Patrick Harris Would Make a Sweet Jedi, Though

Today I was reviewing my Failed Overlord flashcards, as I do every morning to keep my mind sharp, and I noticed something I don’t think I’d ever realized before. Did you know that Darth Vader and Dr. Horrible share a Fatal Flaw?

After “don’t get cocky,” the most important rule to being an Overlord is probably “prioritize.” World domination demands a certain single-mindedness and determination—some may even say obsession—and doesn’t leave much wiggle room for those who can’t make up their minds. Let’s look more closely:

    Darth Vader: He was doing pretty well for a while, there. Had the Death Star going, choke grip, more minions than he knew what to do with, and one of the most badass capes ever, despite some fairly significant physical disabilities. Then what happens? He meets his son (who he knew perfectly well he had the whole time), and all of a sudden, he’s all, “But Luke, why can’t we work together? Please? We’d be ‘Vader & Son,’ it would be adorable, we’d have a swinging wooden sign and the most stylish ampersand in the galaxy.” Please. And then, of course, Luke’s all, “Heck no, creeper,” and D.V. flips out and cuts Luke’s hand off, and I don’t think either of them really bounced back well from that whole interaction. I think Darth took it particularly poorly. The man lost his focus entirely, and before you know it he’s getting himself killed and still trying to bond. It’s very sweet from a family perspective, don’t get me wrong, but if we’re talking World Domination, this was a train wreck.

    Dr. Horrible: Then, on the other hand, there’s Neil Patrick Harris (I have a little trouble distinguishing the man from the character sometimes, so I use the names more or less interchangeably). Despite anything he might have said, Dr. Horrible was never in it for the League of Evil. No, he wanted the girl. Which is fine. If you’re a good enough scientist to build a functioning Freeze Ray, have a cute little endearing-shy-guy thing going for you, and know the key to your beloved’s affections is frozen yogurt and feeding the homeless, then run with that. Freeze Captain Hammer in a pose that suggests he was going to wastefully dump frozen yogurt all over a homeless, lactose-intolerant puppy, take a few pictures, maybe one or two of you tenderly cleaning said puppy off, and show the prints to the girl. Suggest a sexy soup kitchen date, whatever. Don’t start bringing organized evil guilds into the mix. That’s entirely too broad an endeavor, and entirely too time-consuming. If you literally don’t have time to sign a petition without crashing in excess of $10,000 worth of machinery, you need to scale back a bit. Neil Patrick Harris actually ended up in the League of Evil, making his net steps toward World Domination slightly better than Darth Vader’s, but his heart was never in it.

Now you’re probably thinking, “Jessica, if that’s your real name, how do you think you stack up? Are you seriously trying to tell us you’re going to be better than Darth Vader and Neil Patrick Harris? Is that even possible?” And you know what, I don’t know. I gotta tell you, even putting together plans for the Official Lair gets tricky sometimes. But don’t give up on me yet. I may not have Darth Vader’s technology, or Dr. Horrible’s budget (seriously, where do you come up with the funds for a Freeze Ray on top of rent?), but I will find ways to put my Plans into action before the month is out!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Phase One, Day Five: Meet the Minions

I mentioned before that part of Phase One was securing the staff. An important part of being an Overlord is recognizing the need to delegate. The world is a big place; it's okay to recruit a little help. Also, before I get rolling, I would like to take a moment to clarify the use of the word "minion," in the title here and elsewhere in The Lair. I am not talking about the mindless, expendable drones you may be familiar with in other, failed Overlord's regimes. I'm talkin' 'bout some talented people, some of whom I will be reporting to in trust that they will keep me from falling off the edge of the Cliffs of Insanity.

So why use the word at all? Partly, I like the sound of "minion." It's fun to say, and nice for alliteration. Also, it's traditional. At any rate, if any of the staff should read this, I want you to understand I mean the word "minion" in the most affectionate, respected way possible. And now, to business!

The Minions:
Woman with Needles: I've mentioned her already. One of my two primary advisers, Woman with Needles helps me keep track of strategy and keeps a sharp watch to make sure I'm not too fanciful (keep that in mind later on, and imagine where I'd be without her). Once World Domination is achieved, Woman with Needles will be primary ambassador to the British Isles. She is also a wizard with knitting.

The Empath: My other primary adviser, The Empath takes care of the human element of things. Keep people happy, and far less chance of an uprising five or ten or twenty years into the Regime. The Empath has nearly supernatural empathic people skills; she'll be able to convince people that they want what I want. She also reminds me sometimes to take a load off and enjoy ruling, which is nice. Oh, and in addition, she's covered about as much YA fantasy as I have, which is key to understanding the fatal flaws many Overlords make.

Odysseus: This guy is a computer wizard, an essential for a successful modern Regime. Odysseus is my primary man for designing the programs I need to fulfill my dreams (he's promised me a shrink/growth ray, for one). He also embodies some more traditional wizard skills: he has a vast knowledge of mythology, which is again helpful for understanding Overlord strengths and flaws. I can absolutely depend on him.

The above three are absolutely solid, the others I will need to double-check. They include:
Cliffscaler: Rock climber/computer wizard
Murjanah: She knows about genetics, has great people skills, and is all-around amazing. I wish I could belly-dance like her
Linux: Because you can never have too many people who know their way around the computer network
Manly Man: An actual rocket scientist! I know the best people sometimes
The Historian: She also studied ancient sorcery and counters for curses
Caduceus: A to-be doctor (I'm sure she'll be all set to go once the Regime gets started)

As you can see, quite a few excellent talents, but still room for more minions with lots to offer. The package includes a competitive pay package, full benefits (once I recruit a few more doctors, and some dentists), and a fun work environment. Dress is "please don't be naked," and the work week is modeled after Google. That is, a 40-hour week, with 80% of the time devoted to World Domination projects and 20% of the time free to work on projects of the individual employee's choice (subject to approval by the Overlord). Vacation time depends on how the Plan is going, but I'm inclined to be flexible.

Apply through The Lair with some information about what you can bring to the Regime!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Phase One, Day Three: The Origin Story

First things first. I thought I would share today the first major change in the world order, the reason I started work on the Great Plan at all. You know, apart from my rock-hard, chiseled conviction (like mental abs!) that everything would ultimately be a lot better if I ran the show.

I want to abolish mayonnaise.

Mayonnaise has no nutritional purpose whatsoever; it’s not like I’d be depriving anyone of some essential need. Plenty of people are already trying to cut back anyway. Besides, I hate mayonnaise so much. It’s all greasy and slimy and smells like vinegar and death and it leaves viscous trails on the insides of the jar, blargh blargh blargh. Oh God. It makes my blood wrinkle. It’s worse than a jar full of chicken fat, and you don’t see me spreading that on a sandwich, either. I cannot be having with mayonnaise in the New Empire.

Now, it’s come to my attention before that, despite everything, some people like the stuff—and worse, know how to make it. I have a plan for this, too. I want moles trolling the Black Market. I want information on anyone who’s making it, and we’ll slap a Mayonnaise Penalty on their taxes that year. If they can afford to keep making it and want to pay for the privilege, then so be it, but at least I can restrict production to some degree. Put out enough alternatives to flavor or moisten food, and soon people won’t even miss it at all.

Brilliant, huh?

Actually, this example is a good illustration of one of the most important rules of being a successful Overlord: Always Have a Contingency Plan. Woman with Needles is the queen of contingency plans. She’s got a mind like a labyrinth. I can’t hold a dozen backup strategies in my head the way she can, but I can manage three or four without too much trouble. You can’t let yourself get backed into a corner as an Overlord. Narrative convention is pulling hard for the other guy in that situation. If worst comes to worst, better to be the one who slips through the secret tunnel and speeds away, laughing and calling out, “You haven’t seen the last of me!”

You haven’t seen the last of me,