Phase Two, Day 10: In Which Ears Save the Day

In the end, I realized one of the fundamental truths of being female on Halloween: if you wear black clothes and ears, everyone else is just about legally obligated to reconize this as an acceptable cat costume. If the black clothes are form-fitting, you are a sexy cat. Again, as long as the ears are visible, no questions asked. A tail is preferred, but not required. Fortunately, I was able to provide both ears and tail to go with a velvety black jazz leotard I wore for a dance performance in high school (incidentally, hooray again for losing college weight), black tights and boots. I got meowed at by a stranger, and complimented a few times on a costume I threw together in the last few minutes available to me. Andrew came as a convincing gumshoe, complete with fedora and a tendency to say things like "the dame was hysterical" if we'd been walking in silence too long. We aso discovered that with the jacket he was wearing and without the fedora, he looks even more like the most recent Doctor than usual, so it was practically two costumes in one.

But more importantly, what can we learn of world domination from this saved Halloween? I'll give you a hint: the ears are the key.

I am firmly of the opinion that most of the time, all people need is the shape of something to believe it. Black clothes and a silhouette that involves two triangles widely spaced on a head means cat. Blond wig with an intricate braid and pink ribbon means princess, and pale green shadow and glitter around the eyes means some form of fairy or sprite, regardless of the rest of the costume. In most cases, people's brains will fill in the details that the eyes aren't getting.

As I begin to assemble the tools for my Plan to overthrow conventional power and substitute my own, it's becoming clearer to me that it will be important to ride momentum. Being a hero is about standing up to adversity; being an Overlord is about making it seem so natural to have you in charge that people will revolt if someone tries to take you down. And how do you achieve that? By fitting the silhouette of the Leader in people's minds.

Phase Two, Day 7: Distaster Strikes!

We've got a problem, people. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that in the new Empire, Halloween (even Hallowe'en, if you prefer) is a BIG DEAL. Dressing up in outlandish outfits? Walking around outside when everything is crisp and smoky and mysterious? Eating sweets that include the phrase "chocolate-flavored candy coating" because it's that removed from actual chocolate? Check, check and done, right?

Wrong. I have been abandoned--deserted--by my very own sister.

Here's the story. Youngest Sister and I were going to go do Halloween things together. We were going to dress up as the Mythbusters. She would be Adam, because she is spastic all the time anyway and would only be lacking the black shirt and occasional cowboy hat. I would be Jamie, because I have long dreamed of wearing a walrus mustache, and this was a perfect chance. I was also totally happy because Youngest Sister is 14 and still wanted me to trick-or-treat with her. Youngest Sister agreed that since my schedule is super-busy trying to get the kittens bigger, she would pick up the supplies. Yesterday, she came home with a bag from the craft shop, and pulled out stencil letters and silver spray paint. My excitement was building as though someone had just told me they had a timeshare in Madagascar that they wanted to donate to the Empire. So imagine my confusion when she pulled out a solitary black t-shirt.

At first I didn't even recognize the significance. Maybe she already has an old black shirt, I thought. "Is this one mine" I asked her, all hope and innocence.

"Um," she said, "it's for me, actually."

Oh no, I thought. She hasn't realized I need a black t-shirt too. And there doesn't seem to be a mustache here. I need to find a way to gently let her know that I was depending on her for a costume.

"I...don't have a black t-shirt," I said.

Youngest Sister couldn't look me in the face. "I was thinking," she mumbled. "Hannah really wants me to come with her and her friends, and I thought since you have Andrew, maybe you guys could hgmff gnkll rtkjb..."

After a few tries, I realized the truth. Youngest Sister was officially ditching me, without even so much as a costume, two days before Halloween.

Hamlet was not more tragic than this.

So what now, minions and future minions? Will your Fearless Leader cave in and become a lame person who doesn't dress up at all and hands out limp candy bars from the doorway to everyone else who is having fun? No, this cannot be. But right now we are on shaky ground indeed.

Phase Two, Day 2: Save the Emo Kids

Is it just me, or are there fewer emo kids around these days? The herds used to be plentiful in malls, by the Hot Topics, under spreading trees. I even used to see one or two in my ballet classes. Xanga was full of terrible poetry involving the rhyme of "splinter" and "winter," and words like "shatter," "ink," and "bitterness." Now I can't remember the last time I saw one. And I miss them, you know? The way they made Perks of Being a Wallflower the new teen Bible, the way they fully mined the potential in the combination of black and red, or black and pink, those sad little panda eyes looking up at you.

Hipsters, now, we have aplenty. There's one at my job at the law office, wearing faded chucks in the elevator until he needs to put on work shoes. Dark-rimmed glasses are the new dark-rimmed eyes. And I enjoy the hipster kids as much as the next person, but I have to wonder whether they are the wisteria and ivy to emo's sapling elms. We can't let "offbeat quirkiness" become our only odd side group. We need to take whatever steps we can to preserve emo kids for the next generation.

Here's where video comes in. I am interested in making a video to heighten awareness of the plummeting emo kid population, remind people that emo kids are the most woefully adorable thing since Eeyore, and encourage them to support an emo kid today. The plan is to recruit some minions to stand in for the emo kids, since we don't want to disturb the few still out in the wild. I can use 30 seconds of "Use Somebody" for the soundtrack, and try and get some filming done in a bookstore or music store, and maybe some in the mall, the original habitat before other groups began to edge emo kids out.

I hope to bring some initial footage to class to work with, so we will see what I've got. The minions and I don't have a whole lot of time to shoot together, but there's got to be something we can do before the last of the Black Hoodies disappear.

Phase Two, Day 1: The First Plan...

We've been talking about videos lately, and I am trying my hand at a few beginner's attempts. Nothing too ambitious yet, but I am hoping to put something together to post here. There are injustices happening constantly. I'm feeling like a good Overlord would have something planned. Something both dramatic...and sneaky.




God I hope this works.

Phase One, Day the Final: One Door Closes

When I look back over what I've done over the past two months, the results are pretty amazing. I started working three new jobs, and have gotten fired from none of them (knock wood :-P). I made a frickin' website, which I am hoping to keep up after class ends. Most importantly, though, I completed Phase One of my World Domination plans.

That's right, people. Phase One is over. I've rallied my minions (and am still accepting applications -- let me know why you're qualified), laid out some of my initial goals, and picked some locations for the physical Lair. We are officially in Phase Two.

So what do we expect now? ACTION. I'll keep studying my Overlord flashcards every morning, but I think it's time for me to break out and start making some plans happen. It'll be in baby steps, perhaps, but especially now that we are to learn video, some interesting thoughts are percolating to prove that I can walk the Overlord walk. Some of the minions may be in on it, too, so fingers crossed.

See you in Phase Two,

Update: Word from the Empath

The Empath does not have a blog here, as far as I know, but she offered her assessment of my requests just about instantly:

"coffee mugs are totally doable. we can just get a crate of them to give her one at a time so if they break due to throwing them at someone or some imbecile knocking it over, we'll still be good to go."

And the calico?

"I also don't think that a cat should be outside of the budget, unless we have a really crappy budget. but can we see about it being hypoallergenic?"

I will do my best, Empath. I am not heartless, after all. And if it is impossible to find a hypoallergenic calico, I will modify your health plan to cover allergy medication.

Phase One, Day 48: The Fighting Kakapos Would be a Kick-Ass High School Sports Team

Since my last entry, I have spent every spare moment, it feels like, trying to beat that typography midterm back into the depths in slunk out of. I found tutorials, I changed a typeface, I have spent hours all over again fighting with tiny wriggling details, trying to make them submit to the power of my will.

But what of the Plan? What is this world coming to, that I have made it nearly 50 days without seeing an end to Phase One? The other day, I walked by a bowl heaping with packets of mayonnaise and didn't even blink. I ask you, where is the justice??

So today, I have some progress to report: I have been researching, and I have found a potential site for the first physical Lair. The neighborhood is sound, the rent is reasonable. I plan to contact my cousin and see if we can start touring the area and looking at places soon.

See, this is the thing about being an Overlord. Tenacity. When you rule the world, you wake up every morning and it is still there, and people are still trying to do stupid things, and keyboards will refuse to type the letters you are clearly pressing and you will have to go back 80,000 times in one paragraph so as not to publish something with typos peppered everywhere, and you will still have to rule the world when you are done. No pulling covers back over your head, unless you are in the Useless Days and no one is paying attention. Aspiring nemeses are going to appear and have to be dealt with, and the staff need their leader looking as bright and animated as they are. If you're going to have a kakapo day, you come back and make sure you're a fighting kakapo.

Mmph. I wish someone would make me a "World's Best Overlord" coffee mug. When I rule the world, I totally get a coffee mug, right? And a cat? With all the kittens everywhere, surely we can spare one to stay small and play with me and actually grow into a cat. No white fluffy or totally bald thing, either. Just a normal, orange or gray or brown or black-and-white cat that will pad around the Lair and sharpen its claws on my desk, even when I spritz it with the spray bottle, and rub around the minions' legs when they are trying to do work. Ooh, or a calico. Yes. I want a coffee mug and a calico cat. Empath: Can we check the budget for that?