Phase One, Day Thirty: Basically, Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett are Two of the Coolest People Alive

A while back, I talked a bit about how it is useful to go over the mistakes of failed Overlords. There are plenty, that's for certain. Narrative Convention wants you to fail about as badly as it wants the hero to fall in love with the main girl he hangs around (or vice versa on gender), and almost as badly as it wants redheads to have quick tempers. But every now and then, you come upon an Overlord who found a way to thwart the narrative and stay in power, and these gems are a model for any aspiring Overlord to follow.

My favorite is one Havelock Vetinari. 

The Patrician of Discworld, created by the lovely and hilarious Terry Pratchett, Vetinari is the tyrant of Ankh-Morpork, the Disc's primary metropolis. Vetinari has several major points in his favor:

1. He openly, even happily, acknowledges that he is a tyrant. There is no effort at deception on his part, of himself or others. As Pratchett puts it, "one man, one vote. [Vetinari] is the Man; he has the Vote."

2. He loves his city. Vetinari isn't motivated by a blind desire for power -- which can lead to blind mistakes -- but by the more specific desire for the power to rule a city he cares about.

3. Vetinari knows everything. He trained in the Assassin's Guild, where those without sharp senses and quick reflexes...well, they tend not to graduate. He recognizes people by their footsteps and has eyes and ears everywhere in the city. If you live in Ank-Morpork, you better know Vetinari knows who you are, where you live, who you love, and how long it takes you to finish your crossword puzzle in the morning.

4. Speaking of, Vetinari does his crossword every morning. Helps keep the mind sharp, you know, although since he polishes it off in seventeen seconds, it seems that this is a more rudimentary exercise for him. It is interesting, though, to see what kinds of words the crossword makers have on their minds. As a more stimulating game, Vetinari also likes to keep an ongoing game of Thud on the table (it's similar to chess, but between dwarves and trolls, who each have their advantages and disadvantages. Vetinari has been known to suggest that playing the side one doesn't favor helps the mind to understand the enemy more clearly, as well as learn any potential weaknesses in a favorite strategy).

5. Vetinari always has a back-up plan prepared. He is well aware, for example, that the rabble sometimes decides it's time to overthrow its tyrant, so he keeps his dungeons well-ventilated and at a comfortable temperature. They also lock from the inside. When Narrative Convention leads the mob to throw the tyrant into his own dungeons, they will find they have escorted him to a quiet, comfortable retreat where he can meditate and collect his thoughts while he waits for the heat of the crowd to die out.

6. He allows himself a few idiosyncracies. A mongrel dog named Mr. Whuffles, a passionate hatred for mimes. A few splashes of personality here and there help keep any Overlord from feeling like it's all about the job.

Now, you may have realized by now that I'm a little heavy on number 6 to pull off a Vetinari imitation. I have plenty of plans, don't get me wrong, and a pretty sharp mind, and trustworthy minions to help keep me in the know. But still, my whimsical side is much more pronounced than that of Ankh-Morpork's leader, so we need to find another personality to blend into the picture of my Overlord leadership. May I present to you:

Delirium, from Neil Gaiman's Sandman. Not quite an Overlord, although she is the anthropomorphic personification of madness, and responsible for all instances thereof. In my book, that's close enough. At first glance, Delirium seems like a terrible model to follow for World Domination: she's impulsive, emotional, and has the attention span of a butterfly. But let's look a little closer.

1. Delirium is boundlessly creative. She doesn't let any person or circumstance stop her from making the things she needs. Even her siblings, some of whose good opinion means quite a lot to her, aren't able to talk her out of something if she really has her heart set on it.

2. She recognizes the need for a Lair! Delirium's space is highly dangerous to others due to her nature, but it's perfect for her. Swirls of colors and fragments of fever dreams are what she needs to feel relaxed and at home, and she provides that for herself.

3. Delirium is acutely aware of the strengths and limitations of her own power. Whimsy appeals to her, so she indulges, and uses this natural talent to reward or punish others as she sees fit. (The unpredictability inherent in Delirium's logic is another natural strength.) She can 'pull herself together' and cohere to ordinary logic for short periods, and she knows what it will cost her, how long she can keep it up, and in which situations she would find it necessary to deviate so far from character.

4. She also can focus quite intensely on something when she really wants it. Remember I said she had the attention span of a butterfly? Did you remember that some butterflies migrate thousands of miles?

My goal in my career as Overlord is to strike a balance between Vetinari's cool head and careful planning, and Delirium's creative energy and unpredictable nature. It's a fine line to walk, but the right blend of these characters' strengths would be a force to be reckoned with.

Soon to be a force to be reckoned with,

Phase One, Day 29: The Fatal Flaw

Still freaking out about the idea of creating a website, I'm afraid. I don't know why it seems like such a mammoth task to me, but the deadline is getting closer, and I haven't done nearly enough work, and I can see empires that haven't even been built crashing down on me. It's a bad day to be Overlord of the World.

One of my friends, a few years ago, was commenting on the fact that I tend to be quite good at just about everything I do on a regular basis.
"The thing is that you only take time to develop things you know you can excel at," she said. "Anything else you just leave behind."
She meant it as a compliment, noting my efficiency and practicality. Why should I waste my time, only to fail? Better to hone in on my natural gifts and explore those as far as I can.
Now, though, it feels like a much more judgmental note on my behavior. I give up on things that aren't working. I have trouble seeing the value of an activity without tangible results. If my website doesn't look professional, my first instinct will be to dismiss it as a waste of time, or as further proof of my understanding of myself as a 23-year-old dinosaur.

If you're going to be a successful world Overlord, everyone knows you can't have a weakness. Spunky kids with a hero complex and too much time on their hands will be all too eager to find it for you. You cannot afford a serious flaw, because the Laws of Narrative Convention want it to be fatal.

So what do you do when you find out you have one?

Phase One, Day 27: The Fluffiness Increases Exponentially!

I hope I can trust you. What I'm about to share with you contains some sensitive information, and the element of surprise is important. This is no less than the Secret Weapon I plan to use to launch the movement that must, inevitably, culminate in my ruling the world. The army that will inspire awe and fear in the hearts of all who are present to witness it.

  Yes! An army of giant kittens! Or, more precisely, an army of minions riding giant kittens as they prance, pounce, and scamper their way to my victory. It is brilliant. Modern armies for decades have trusted in straight lines, careful formations. What is more carefree, more surprising than the path of a playful kitten? Kittens bigger than horses! Kittens the size of African elephants!! The fluffiness increases exponentially!!

We'll send in helicopters first, with lasers and yarn bombs. The lasers may seem suspicious at first, but people will quickly relax when they realize that no one has been hurt, and that in fact some people have inadvertently corrected their eyesight by watching the beams so intently. Then, without warning, a gambol of kittens will appear, pouncing on the lasers in an adorable and terrifying attempt to catch them, or wriggling parked cars off the streets in their efforts to nuzzle the yarn to death. Such mayhem will be confusing, frightening, endearing. The populace will have no idea how they are supposed to react. PETA will protest any attempt to hurt the kittens, as will most scientists, who will be desperate to know how the hell I pulled this off.

And then, just as the mayhem escalates into a panic, I will emerge, in a beam of light if I can finagle it (subtle, I am not).

"Citizens," I will say, "I have the solution. Make me Overlord of the World, and I will put the kittens in giant petting zoos and clean up all the yarn. I will teach any interested scientists how my team and I made these adorable monsters, and offer kitten-riding classes to any children interested in being Professional Kitten Wranglers one day. Heck, any adults, for that matter. Make me your leader, and I will protect the kakapo (if there are any left to protect), teach everyone Gibberish, and increase the amount of vacation time people get every year. Or don't make me your leader, and the next wave of kittens will not have hypoallergenic fur, and who knows what a crazy person like me has up her sleeve next. I assure you, citizens, you probably want me as your leader right now."

I am optimistic that we can pull off a bloodless revolution.

Phase One, Day 25: I Like to Feel the Sand Between My Toes

All right, back to business! I’ve done a lot of thinking in the past about my True Lair. I mean, having a Lair is what makes an Overlord an Overlord, or a villain a villain. There’s a sense of homecoming and purpose in walking down the stairs, through the eleven coded entry gates, down more stairs, past the booby trap maze, through the laser tunnel, over the robot shark moat, down more stairs, and through the cheery, cherry red front door of your Lair.

Here is a true story for you. My very first Lair was my closet, in the room that I shared with my younger sister when I was about five years old. I populated it with a fierce army of imaginary minions, bristling with weapons. They spoke no English at all, and had strict orders to shoot any unauthorized person who came through the door on sight. I forbade my sister to enter my closet under any circumstances, since while she could be annoying at times, I didn’t want her to die at the hands of my overzealous guards. The only way even I could enter my closet safely was to crack the door and announce, “Acoumpliesma,” a word which, in my guards’ native language, roughly translates to, “Don’t shoot – it’s me.”

These days, I’m thinking guards of such a hair-trigger disposition are going to lead to more accidents than they are worth. I’m opting now for a tight security system and creative spatial engineering. I’d like an island Lair – Madagascar, perhaps, or Bali. Underground is traditional, and that way I could preserve the topside as a natural reserve for all the cool plants and animals living there. If some civilians are there, too, it’ll discourage any uprising efforts from bombing the crap out of the place. Nothing tarnishes a revolution more than the senseless slaughter of innocents.

The Lair will have to be designed by about fifty different engineers, of course. We can’t have any one person knowing too much about the blueprints of my home. Maybe 100, even, in shifts: 50 to do the initial design and 50 to revise and add their own twists. No more than three engineers in either shift will speak the same language, either, thus making people who know the layout both difficult to track down, and useless when you put them together. Older engineers are welcome, too. I am absolutely set against killing off anyone who has helped me (that’s low even for an Evil Overlord, and I’m the Glinda kind, right?), but if they’re not around in fifteen years or so, that may be handy in a countering-invaders kind of way.

Break, Part Three: Layout/Design

Let's talk about making things pretty.

First: Color starts to set the emotional mood immediately, even before your brain fully realizes what you're looking at. I was thinking about how I could choose a color, or set of colors, that would complement each other well and set the tone I wanted, when I was struck by an idea. I have to let you know that there is a voice in my head saying "aargh, I cannot believe you are about to air all your dirty website laundry all over the Internet, people are going to think you're such a girl, first freakin' Cosmo and now this, aaarrgh," but do you know who really cares about color schemes? Brides. I've been poking around The Knot, and they have pages of articles about which colors look warm or polished or fun together, how to decide what mood/colors are best for you,, based on your personality, all kinds of things. I've narrowed it down to a few options, and they are so pretty oh my goodness. Which one wins out will probably have to do mostly with how well I think it will show up on old computers. Don't want colors warping too much on someone's old system.

Second: Images are pretty crucial, because nothing turns people off a website like walls of text. I would like to have a few pictures of me on the site, seeing as how it's about me, but at the same time, I a. don't want to overdo it and look like one of those smug writers, and b. want to emphasize the writerly nature of the site, rather than my smiling little face. I'm thinking maybe three or four pics somewhere, pretty small (no giant heads for me, thanks). For the rest, we've been talking a lot in Typography about using text as a design element, since letters make cool shapes. When I was in college, the literary magazine had a cover one year that was made up of lines and fragments from the stories and poems in the issue, and it was mad cool. I might like to have a background with some lines from my writing, and/or use the title of a page as part of the page's design. "Creative Writing" has some interesting curves and angles, especially if you find the right typeface for it. How difficult is it to make a logotype? How can I experiment with size, typeface, and upper- and lowercase letters to create something distinctive? That's what I'm interested in finding out as I play with the visual element of my site.

Some ground rules: No cats. No excessively flowy fonts. Absolutely no glitter anywhere, ever. Nothing that is there solely to show off how clever I can be (there might be clever/silly stories up for fun, but I don't want to throw in gifs or something just to show that I know how). I like clean rectangles and maybe a bit of layering more than scalloped edges or fake shadows or other such nonsense. There's going to be plenty of playfulness, but I want it to look like a creative person's professional site.

Break, Part Two: Content

All right. Step two. We have navigation, now we need content. I am a little surprised by how nervous I am about this whole "plan-a-website" project. Maybe it is because usually electronic and technological things are the hardest for me to pick up. I tend to struggle for a long time to even get the basics down, I get frustrated very easily -- this is way out of my comfort zone, so my creative side (which is already a neurotic little thing) wants nothing more than to run and hide somewhere safe.

On the other hand, by necessity if nothing else, I will have to drag that creative side out of the closet and onto the computer screen, because the smoothest navigation means nothing without content.

If I am going to make a personal website, I want it to be about writing. I joined this MFA program because one of the most important things in my world is that stories exist, and I want to be part of making that happen. Plus, I don't see myself making another kind of site. Personal? No way. I'm happily open with my friends, but the Internet doesn't need to know every in and out of my life. As for my hobbies, I am very excited to be developing a decent repertoire as a fledgling cook and when I have time I like to knit things, but there are a hundred zillion better sites about these things.

So the thing is, at this point I am also still in the early stages of being a writer. I'm not published yet, and am still putting together a selection of stories and poems. I'm okay with doing a beginning writer's site, but what to fill it with?

1. Bio. We need people to have an official section for who I am and what I do (or want to do).
2. Journal. It seems at least in the beginning, this site may be as much about the process as the finished work, and anyway I would like to have a means of communicating with potential viewers of the site.
3. Creative writing. Info on any poems and stories I publish, and a few freebies up on the site, just for fun.
4. Technical writing. I've done some of this work, and really enjoyed it, so I would like to have information on what I can do in case people want me to do more of it.
5. Awards. I got a few, and I am proud of them, so why not briefly mention them?
6. I would like to have a little section on what I'm reading. I am as interested in other people's stories as making my own, so having a Cool Books section will let me promote other cool people, and give my viewers a better idea of what I am all about (you are what you read, yes?).

I will likely change/add/modify this as I go, but it is about getting a sense of what might work. I am still very nervous about trying to make and maintain this, but I will see how it goes.

Phase One, Beginning to Panic: Website Navigation

It pains me to break from our regularly scheduled programming, but there are some serious matters we need to address. Namely, do you realize that by the end of this semester I will be expected to have my own website up and running? Even sooner than that, actually. Listen – there is a reason I have so many more computer scientists than doctors on my minion staff. Part of me is more confident that I could pick up open-heart surgery as I go than master the skill set needed to develop and maintain a website. So, in the interests of me attempting the unfathomable, the next few posts need to sort out business details. I have some fun stuff saved for later, though, so stay with me. Today’s Business Topic is:

Navigation


I’m starting here because the site will probably need to hold several facets of me, and at least one of my friends has compared the way my mind works to a kaleidoscope (all those random pieces will make a coherent pattern, if you twist your perception the right way). We need to make sure people know where they’re going, without investing all kinds of time into learning the idiosyncrasies of my thought processes.

I’m probably going to crib a lot from Neil Gaiman’s site. First, an aside. Neil Gaiman is so cool, it isn’t fair. Okay? He can do comics, novels, stories, screenplays, and poems that are at least entertaining, if not something you’d put next to Neruda and Mary Oliver. He interviewed and wrote a book on Douglas Adams. He interviewed and wrote a book with Terry Pratchett. He lives in a house out of Charles Addams’ sexiest dreams. He’s worked with Jonathan Coulton, had They Might Be Giants work for him, and he may not have met Imogene Heap in person, but he crashed at her flat for a while when he was in town. This is not even mentioning Tori Amos, Dave McKean, Charles Vess, Dr. Who, or any other number of People and Things That Are Cool to Nerdy And/Or Indie People that Neil Gaiman gets to be all about knowing personally. And then he goes and has the gall to have an amazing website. The man has no shame.

The reason I picked Neil’s site as a guide is that for all that stuff he’s got his fingers into, the navigation is beautifully simple. As soon as I started thinking about navigation for a website, my mind jumped to ideas for clever metaphors and gimmicks to use as tools (make navigation a compass! a kaleidoscope!). Neil’s site reminds me that the content and, to a lesser extent, the graphics, make a site worth exploring. The navigation should be there to make things simple.

Also, to borrow from another source, I like it when you can hover over a tab and see the subcategories within it. Cosmo’s site (don’t judge me) does this, and it is an excellent tool because each category is so broad. If you’re interested in cute date articles under the Relationships subcategory and want to skip past What’s New In Sex (orgasms! they're pretty great, amiright?), you hover on “Sex and Relationships” and it gives you the option of bypassing anything under that umbrella that you don’t want.

I think for now a top bar with different sections of the site should work just fine for me (did I mention that Neil’s site has a section called “Cool Stuff & Things”? I want that!). I want the top bar to be slim, so I don’t end up with Ms. Gilbert’s trouble of uncertainty of whether your page has changed. I want things labeled very clearly: About Me, Creative Writing, Technical Writing, Cool Things, Awards, etc. If I end up with a lot of subsections, I’ll split them up and put the less important ones on the bottom (or ones that are so standard that viewers will expect to see them on the bottom if they’re not on the top). Oh! Also -- both sites have a selection of four or five of the newest updates featured on the front page, which I think is an excellent way to keep drawing viewers back, as well as acquaint new viewers with what they might want to see on the site.

Basically, it seems to me that the best navigation happens when viewers take the navigation for granted. It should be that intuitive. I’m sure I’ll figure more out as I go about how to make that happen, but that’s the aim.