First things first. I thought I would share today the first major change in the world order, the reason I started work on the Great Plan at all. You know, apart from my rock-hard, chiseled conviction (like mental abs!) that everything would ultimately be a lot better if I ran the show.
I want to abolish mayonnaise.
Mayonnaise has no nutritional purpose whatsoever; it’s not like I’d be depriving anyone of some essential need. Plenty of people are already trying to cut back anyway. Besides, I hate mayonnaise so much. It’s all greasy and slimy and smells like vinegar and death and it leaves viscous trails on the insides of the jar, blargh blargh blargh. Oh God. It makes my blood wrinkle. It’s worse than a jar full of chicken fat, and you don’t see me spreading that on a sandwich, either. I cannot be having with mayonnaise in the New Empire.
Now, it’s come to my attention before that, despite everything, some people like the stuff—and worse, know how to make it. I have a plan for this, too. I want moles trolling the Black Market. I want information on anyone who’s making it, and we’ll slap a Mayonnaise Penalty on their taxes that year. If they can afford to keep making it and want to pay for the privilege, then so be it, but at least I can restrict production to some degree. Put out enough alternatives to flavor or moisten food, and soon people won’t even miss it at all.
Brilliant, huh?
Actually, this example is a good illustration of one of the most important rules of being a successful Overlord: Always Have a Contingency Plan. Woman with Needles is the queen of contingency plans. She’s got a mind like a labyrinth. I can’t hold a dozen backup strategies in my head the way she can, but I can manage three or four without too much trouble. You can’t let yourself get backed into a corner as an Overlord. Narrative convention is pulling hard for the other guy in that situation. If worst comes to worst, better to be the one who slips through the secret tunnel and speeds away, laughing and calling out, “You haven’t seen the last of me!”
You haven’t seen the last of me,
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