Phase One, Who Knows What Day?: Alternatives to the Rack

I think it's time we get serious for a moment. I hate to be the one to have to bring it up, but let's face it: I'm the Overlord here. I'm the only one who knows what my plans are.*

Even in the smoothest regimes, there are bound to be a few dissenters. Something about rotten apples and more nuanced cider, or some other agricultural justification for those annoying people who don't want me going through with my plan. In extreme cases, such as uprisings, or people planting enormous catnip farms to distract the kittens from their important work, there may need to be...repercussions. One of the statutes of an Overlord is that they have to have inventive torture methods, so it's time I warn you of what could happen:

First, we strap the victim down. Leather restraints, probably. Big buckles, grainy wooden slab. Standard instruments. We need to have the head turned to the side, one cheek pressing into the wood. We'll need some sort of vice to hold the head in place. The victim will be left there for a while, until we can come back with a small bowl of warm wax. The wax will be inserted into the ear to form a seal. The wax won't be too hot, because then it will run all over the place, and go too far down the ear, and that just sucks. The sealed ear will be filled with water, and then -- this is the clincher -- we'll take the tiniest goldfish, and put it in the ear, and it will swim around, and flip its little fins, and it will be adorable.

I literally just got tiny chills thinking about how adorable that goldfish is going to be. Those little fins are going to be practically transparent! That little tail is going to tickle that ear, and the tiniest goldfish will wiggle its little head in confusion when it reaches one of the ear crevices, because there will be nowhere for it to go! Oh no, little goldfish! Whatever will you do?

What does the tiniest goldfish even eat?

It is at this point that Odysseus pointed out to me that my methods, while highly unusual, seemed designed not so much to torture as to leave me in spasms of cute overload. While this is true, I must remind you that this is beside the point. Being an Overlord is all about indulging my whims in moderation, and I think an absence of cruel with a strong reminder that I am unusual enough not to be trifled with is the most sensible way to handle the question of Evil Empire torture.









( the   tiniest   goldfish!  )















*Actually, several of the Minions know most of these plans. But they heard them from me, so I stand by what I said.